Marriage can be challenging—but as with any challenge, there is also great reward.
Military marriages are exceptionally challenging—but they are also filled with extraordinary blessings.
Did you know that military families statistically experience the highest rate of divorce in the nation[1] (more than 2.5x[2] higher than the average civilian population)? But military marriages are unquestionably worth fighting for, and these statistics are no match for two people serving an unfailing God.
Last week, Salt & Light Global had the privilege of sharing Biblical precepts on marriage and the family with active-duty military and veteran couples. In this article, we’ll share some of the wisdom from God’s Word that can help military marriages (and any marriage) thrive. We’ll also share some ways that individuals and churches can help strengthen and support the marriages of those who serve and sacrifice so much for so many.
Biblical Precepts for a “Healthy Homefront”
Building resilient military marriages and families will never happen by accident. Resilient marriages require intentional honor and respect for this sacred union, sacrificial love for your spouse, and reliance on the strength and grace that only come from the Giver of all good things. Here are some tried and true strategies for strong military marriages that can withstand separation, deployment, moving, tragedy, and more:
1. Build a Strong Foundation: Understand what marriage is, and what it is not. Marriage is not some casual thing a person does in pursuit of their own happiness. Marriage isn’t about following your heart (Jeremiah 17:9) to fairy tale endings. Marriage is an enduring, sacred covenant between God, one man, and one woman. As Jesus taught in Matthew 19:4-6, ‘“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”’ Marriage is a spiritual covenant designed by God in accordance with His good plan for our lives. As Jesus taught, a couple united in holy matrimony is united by no less than God Himself. During a wedding ceremony, when a man and woman exchange their vows, they make a holy promise before God and men to love, honor, and cherish their spouse every moment of their life, regardless of circumstance (in sickness, health, poverty, or wealth). Marriage only works as God intended it to when both the husband and wife enter into this covenant with their eyes on Him. Any other so-called foundation will fail.
Maybe you didn’t start out with a strong spiritual foundation. Maybe you’re the only believer in your marriage. Perhaps over time, your marriage has drifted away from that foundation—but it’s not too late. It’s never too late to turn back to the Lord, to see the Lord sanctify your spouse and your marriage (1st Corinthians 7:14), or start building your marriage on the firm foundation of faith. When historic homes have foundation problems, preservationists don’t call the demolition company—they call for restoration. Teams will come in to jack the home up and build the right kind of foundation right there in place—underneath that historic treasure—so that it can endure for new generations. If you don’t already have the right foundation, today is the day to call on Jesus Christ to redeem and restore and get connected with a local church where you can get discipled and grow in your faith. Make no mistake—your marriage is something to treasure through generations. With the right foundation, it can endure anything.
2. Understand that You’re Not in This Alone: Marriage isn’t only about you, or you and your spouse, or the family you share. Marriage is a sacred institution that God created, and He is present in your marriage. Things like government benefits, financial security, physical intimacy, or family support are not the secret to holding your marriage together in the tough times: God Himself is the essential glue. Ecclesiastes 4:12 teaches that a “a three-stand cord is not easily broken.” In the hard times and heart breaking seasons that military marriages go through, God invites us to run to Him with our problems (1 Peter 5:17) and to rest in his all-sufficient grace and His power that is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). Whether you’re a husband or a wife, whether you’re the military spouse or the home-front spouse, God invites you to lean on Him always—and especially in those moments when you know that you, in and of yourself, are not enough. He also invites you and your spouse to come to Him together in prayer. Did you know that less than 1% of marriages where the spouses pray together daily fail?[3]
3. Stop Equating Hard with Bad. If you listen to the world around you, you can find a thousand voices telling you why military marriages are hard and bad…but most of those people have never been in a military marriage, or at least not a healthy one. It’s true that military marriages face unique challenges (you know the ones) that are uniquely difficult. Marriage is hard in the best of circumstances, because it involves two imperfect people coming together as one. Military marriages are a whole other level of hard—and 99% of the population will never understand the trials—or the blessings your military marriage will encompass. Rember that trails are not inherently bad—rather, how you face them together determines the outcome. Remember that strong, healthy, happy marriages don’t just happen. They are forged by fire, made stronger with each hard season they endure, and are strengthened by every trial faced—together. Military marriages will face an abundance of trials—but those trials and how we overcome them are the very things that God can use to make our marriages so rich, strong, and resilient. Remember that every trial can become a testimony of faithfulness, goodness, and beauty. Instead of listening to those who say you can’t make it—lean into the God who says He will walk with you through every trial. The promise of His Word is that “we are more than conquers though Him” (Romans 8:37) and in Him, we can walk in overwhelming victory over every trial (Romans 8:31-39).
4. Celebrate the Good with a Grateful Heart: In the early days of being married to a soldier, nothing changed this author’s marriage more than cultivating a heart of prayerful gratitude. There’s no shortage of commands to “give thanks in everything” (1 Thessalonians 5:18, Colossians 3:15-17, Psalm 100:4, Ephesians 5:20 to name a few) and “rejoice in the Lord always” (Philippians 4:4), and when you make it a practice to start looking for things to be thankful for, and then you thank God for them, it changes something fundamental in your heart, mind, and soul. When you celebrate blessings as a couple, that transformation is multiplied. As we thank the Lord, we also make it a practice in our marriage to express love and thanks to each other for the praiseworthy things we see in each other. And there is much that is worth celebrating in a military marriage. Christ-centered Military marriages are loyal, dedicated, honorable, courageous, selfless, sacrificial, unbreakable, unconditional, trusting, faithful and faith-filled, persevering, passionate, compassionate, patient, joy-filled, and incredibly strong. Because military service comes with and regular doses of danger and separation, military spouses learn to treasure every moment they have together. We don’t have the luxury of taking the simple things for granted—and so we become grateful and celebrate each day as a gift.
5. Love Constructively: Military families know a lot about sacrificial love and daily make countless selfless sacrifices for our country, but make sure that that same spirit of selfless love governs at home and in your marriage. In 1st Corinthians 12, the Bible explains how love that is constructive doesn’t tear down—it selflessly builds up:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…”
It can be hard to love your spouse that way—to not be easily angered when nerves are raw or to choose to trust when continents law between you and your spouse—but this is caliber of love that God calls us to show. The good news is, what God calls us to do, He equips us to do. Rely on His perfect grace and strength, especially on the days when you’re at the end of your rope, and you will see miracles in your marriage.
6. Love Creatively: Military marriages come with lots of distance, separation, and irregular hours. On non-deployment years, spouses routinely spend weeks and months apart, and deployments can last years. No matter where duty takes you, prioritize ways to “put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.” (Colossians 3:12-14) On a very practical level, know your spouse’s love languages and look for ways to nourish them. Even when you’re far apart for long periods of time, if quality time or words of affirmation or gifts or acts of service mean a lot to your spouse, look for ways to say “I love you.” Set a Facetime or Zoom date to spend time together over long distance. Call whenever possible (and be patient and prayerful when it’s not possible). Use a texting app, or even something like a Lovebox (we love this app), to share words of affirmation, admiration, and affection. Share pictures or video and keep care packages coming, so that both spouses feel like a part of each other’s life. If you’re the spouse who is deployed, surprise your spouse who loves acts of service with a lawn-care or housecleaning professional who can lighten their load. Even when you’re far away, those small little gestures that show thought and intentionality can make your spouse feel cherished and can keep your hearts close—no matter the distance.
7. Be Patient in All Things: Let patience be your watchword – especially in times of deployment, seasons of healing, or coming home and trying to fit lives back together (1 Corinthians 13). There are things your military spouse can’t share for security reasons, things your military spouse won’t share because they don’t want to worry you, and times when they can’t share because systems may be down temporarily…..just wait, take a deep breath, trust your spouse, and most of all, trust God (Isaiah 26:3-4).
8. Focus on your Purpose: God has called you as a couple to this unique life of service, and especially if you are the spouse on the home-front, it is important to know your purpose and calling. God has a good plan and purpose for you, whether that is raising a family, having a career of your own, or juggling both. In Ecclesiastes 5:20, Scripture talks about knowing and enjoying the good work we have been called to, stating, “They do not worry about how short life is, because God keeps them busy with what they love to do.” Anxiety tends to build and the enemy attacks when our minds are not focused on our God-given purposes. Keep your mind set on Him, keep your hands set diligently at the work He has called you to, and don’t worry.
9. Pray Without Ceasing: On those moments when worry and anxiety do creep in, fight back with prayer! (1 Thessalonians 5:17) Worry does nothing except create anxiety…but prayer changes things (James 5:16-18, Matthew 7:7-8, Matthew 17:20). Surrender it God, have faith, and don’t pick up the burden you just laid down.
10. Protect Boundaries: A lot of well-intentioned people can push against the boundaries of military marriages offering help and friendship, and opportunities for compromise abound. The counsel of God’s word is to “Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” (Proverbs 4:23). There are other times when we need to remember the warning of 1 Corinthians 15:33, that “Bad company corrupts good character.” Keeping good boundaries staring with a commitment to honoring marriage (Hebrews 13:4), and it’s important to set those boundaries before situations arise. Be careful where you find emotional support, physical assistance, and even friendship. When situations arise, remember that the Lord always provides the strength we need to choose to honor Him and to honor our spouse (1 Corinthians 10:13). The Lord Himself is there always as our protector, our counselor, and our friend—we have only to seek Him first.
4 Ways to Support Others in Military Marriages
Maybe you’re not in a military marriage, but you want to support a family member for friend who is. Maybe your church has a military family, and your church is looking for practical ways to serve and support them. Here are 4 ways you can show the love of Christ to those who serve:
- Ask and Listen: Sometimes burdens are heavy and stress is real. Sometimes, military service personnel and their spouse can talk, and sometimes they are not at liberty to share. If you check in and ask how they are doing (which means a lot), take time to really listen (which means even more). (James 1:19) Ask questions that show genuine care, and don’t pry for more than they can share or want to talk about. Don’t offer unsolicited advice or an unfiltered commentary on politics and foreign affairs—just listen and show the love of Christ. You can’t imagine what blessing that is.
- Share a Kind Word, Pay for a Date Night, or Meet a Need: You may see a need in a military family’s life, and if God has blessed you with the means to help them, a simple act of service or generosity can mean a lot (Hebrews 13:16, Galatians 6:2). With the growing political divide in our nation, American soldiers are sometimes harassed at the gas station or insulted at the grocery store-sometimes in front of their family. In this climate, military families need to know that they are appreciated. Resources can be tight, and time together is even tighter. Simple acts of kindness like paying for a date night or a gift card for pizza or a family can mean more than you might imagine. Sometimes, just a kind word of appreciate or meeting a need like shoveling a sidewalk or mowing a lawn can be a huge blessing and can boost moral for the soldier and the whole family.
- Practice the Art of Hospitality: There are a lot of young families in the military, and many end up moving far away from their biological family in the line of service. Some grew up without parenting parents in their lives and they need mentorship (2 Timothy 2, Titus 2), especially from Godfearing older generations. If God has placed other military families in your realm of influence, invite them into your home, share your life with them, and let them become family. (1 Peter 4:8-9).
- Partner in prayer with them: Prayer can move mountains and transform lives. Be faithful to regularly intercede for military families in your sphere of influence (Ephesians 6:18). Especially for deployed soldiers, you never know how the Lord is answering your prayer on the battlefield right at that moment. If you don’t know what or how to pray, Psalm 91 is a great passage to pray over active military personnel.
[1] https://www.lendingtree.com/personal/divorce-rate-jobs-occupations-study/#methodology
[2] https://helloprenup.com/military-divorce/military-marriage-divorce-rate-understanding-why-its-so-high/
[3] https://www.imom.com/8-benefits-praying-spouse/
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